my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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