You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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