i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
My vagina is very pro this idea
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
