1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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