Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
My life is pants optional.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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