my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
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