he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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