i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
