ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
