Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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