I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
