upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
