Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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