I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
