I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
