Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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