Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
