You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
