He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
