i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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