I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
