There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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