I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
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