My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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