When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just want to make out with him forever
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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