You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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