the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
