batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
My bed smells like the plague
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
