Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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