Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
