Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
