My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
