Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
