why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
