Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
