I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
