the day after is always just damage control
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Randomize
