sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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