I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
