At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
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