i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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