Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
