im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
