Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
