Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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