If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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