I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
