i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize