Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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