I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize