i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
