after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
