I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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