i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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