haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
whose parrot is this?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
