I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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