Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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