I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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