I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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