my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
