Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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