the condom got lost in my hair
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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