Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
