I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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