I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
