You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
