I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
