Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
